Little Enigma

I think I’m going to be leaving Tumblr, guys. It’s nothing personal. I’m just done with it.

However, if for some reason you want to continue reading my stuff, my blog is thelittlestplanet.blogspot.com or Musing of a Space Cadet (cheesy name, I know, but I think worth reading).

Farewell! Keep blogging! :-)

I am ambivalent about some of the Tumblr blogs that are created by people with psychological disorders and the ones created for certain psychological disorders and/or learning disabilities. I am not bothered by all of these blogs; just the ones where people put “depressed and anxious” or “learning disabled” as part of their main description.

I would like to make it clear that I am not speaking from lack of experience. When I was five years old and had just started school, I would cry every morning before entering the classroom. I was a very quiet child who had few friends. I spent most of my time day-dreaming and was frequently reprimanded for losing things, being unable to understand directions, not paying attention, and filling out the 1-100 chart incorrectly every time. I was teased by my classmates for being “slow” and “weird” and “spacey.” I had bad enough anxiety that it made me get sick all the time, which only made me more anxious, as I developed a phobia of getting sick when I was a small child, which I still have to this day. My father took me to see a therapist and I seem to recall seeing the school guidance counselor on a regular basis.

It wasn’t until I was twelve years old and had become so disorganized that my homework was almost never completely done and I couldn’t find anything in my desk or my bedroom that I had a neuropsychological evaluation. I was diagnosed with ADHD and some form of a learning disability. And though I was never offically diagnosed with any anxiety disorder, my fear of getting sick has caused me a lot of problems and anxiety that I have mostly managed to hide from others.

After it seemed that I would fail seventh grade, my parents took me out of school and I’ve been home-schooled ever since, which has helped immensely. I still have issues, but I am doing better than ever and I am surrounded by people who love and support me.

I included all of this information about myself in this post as to say that I know what it’s like to have these problems and I know why people create these blogs: I and other people I’ve known who have these sorts of issues have internalized that they are “weak” or “weird” or they don’t try hard enough to be “better,” though none of these things are what cause neurological or psychological disorders. I know what it’s like to dislike yourself because you feel that you’re just not quite good enough because you have a hard time doing the things that others do effortlessly (whether that is to stop worrying, organize, plan, etc.) and to try to hide these issues because you don’t want to stand out or cause trouble. To discover what your problem is and to find others like you who will tell you that it’s OK and that you’re not alone is a relief and, at times, life-saving.

But I am bothered by blogs where people identify as their disorder because I am not my anxiety disorder, my behavioral/developmental disorder, or my learning disability and I don’t want others to think I am, either. After years of feeling lazy and incapable of doing things like math problems or reading maps, I’m finally realizing that with the right tools, accommodations, and coping mechanisms, I can be successful.

I’m not at all trying to say that this is everyone’s experience or that people supporting each other is a bad thing, and neither am I trying to trivialize what it’s like to live with a psychological disorder. It’s just that, for me personally, while my issues affect my life significantly, I want to identify as my strengths - writer, singer, artist, a bit of a philosopher, an aspiring neuroscientist - rather than all of my weaknesses.

(Note: I am also bothered by people glorifying psychological disorders/mental illness, like it somehow makes a person more “deep” and “interesting” just as much as I am bothered by people who claim that these problems are “no big deal.” I kind of wish that would stop.)

My Facebook comment in response to this http://www.bilerico.com/2012/01/cynthia_nixon_shifting_from_essentialism.php?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+BilericoProject+%28The+Bilerico+Project%29&utm_content=FaceBook:

I am in agreement with Cynthia Nixon. My opinion is that sexual/physical/romantic/ emotional attraction is not a “choice.” This is not only evident in the narrative of many queer people, but also in heterosexual love stories like “Romeo and Juliet” and any other works about star-crossed romantic affairs (as well as in real life). I’m less sure about gender. It seems that gender identity can either be fluid/somewhere in the vast spectrum of non-standard (for lack of better words; please tell me if there is another term I should use) gender identities or people can identify somewhere within the gender binary, though gender is enormously complex to me (even more so than sexuality), though I am not the right person (though is anyone?) To declare whether or not it is a choice. I don’t think how feminine or masculine my gender presentation, mannerisms, etc. or whether or not I’m comfortable with the parts I was born with and/or the secondary sex characteristics I developed during puberty is a “choice” in the way we traditionally think of a “choice,” either. But when I tell people that I am a girl/woman/human female or if I told them that I were male/genderqueer/the walrus, coo-coo-ka-choo, those are the words I choose to articulate my identity and those are a choice, and as long as I am comfortable with them, then they are accurate. And it’s the same way with sexuality, I think - gender and sexuality are both different aspects of a person’s identity, and both seem to be influenced by social, biological, and psychological factors (as with everything) and both confuse me similarly. What if, one day or at one point in my life, I’m POSITIVE that I’m a woman, but then at another point in my life I feel like I’m more masculine than feminine or some equal combination of both? And how accurate are the labels we choose, in that case? And what if sometimes I prefer male partners/am more strongly attracted to men, then maybe sometimes I prefer more androgynous people and sometimes I like feminine women….? There are so many types of gender/identity expression, I can’t name all of them here. While I understand that sexual orientation is different for everyone and is more consistent for some than others, my point is that, eventually, we (or I, at the very least) have to question just how accurate these labels are. Should we make new words? Should we abandon labels? Should we broaden our definitions for preexisting terminology? My opinion is that, first, labels are not evil. They can be useful for telling others about ourselves/where we’re coming from. But no one should be forced to label themselves and no one should be criticized for the labels they choose. Moreover, I think whether or not sexuality and/or gender is a “choice” is irrelevant. To say that choosing to identify a certain way (gender or otherwise), to be with partners of a certain gender, or to be in relationships that are viewed as less socially acceptable by more conservative folks in general is somehow unacceptable and these desires should ONLY be acted on if they “can’t help it” (like being a victim of one’s sexuality, if that makes any sense at all) implies that queerness is somehow shameful and that we should all just conform to our heteronormative mainstream society’s expectations. Is that why people accuse me of being a closeted lesbian - because I acknowledge my own gender identity/expression and sexuality as being at least somewhat fluid despite identifying pretty strongly as female and seeking out romantic relationships with men? Well, first of all, people should mind their own business and not choose labels for me. Second, while “heterosexual” and “straight” seem like a funny words for me to use at this point, they’re the closest words I can find to describe who I am attracted to/seek to have relationships with. Maybe someday I’ll find a better word. Maybe I should abandon labels. But I don’t care to spend all of my time defending my own reasons for identifying a certain way or having relationships with other people and I don’t think others should spend all of their time doing so, either.